Ok, so I’ve been feeling awfully bitchy for the last week (not exactly sure why), and things have just been getting on my damn nerves. So here is my list of current pet peeves and itches yearning to be scratched:

1) David Blaine

This guy is an ego-maniac and an idiot. There’s absolutely no reason to submerge yourself in a tank of water for an entire week to the detriment of your health. Oh, and then he cried because he couldn’t hold his breath for 9 minutes. Boo hoo. The skin was peeling off his hands, his body had broken out in a rash, he had lost 50 lbs. before the stunt, and he passed out while trying to hold his breath. And why did he subject himself to this? FOR FAME. Please, God. You’re never going to better than Houdini. Lick your wounds and move on. And, if you insist on performing insane stunts, please do it for a reason other than your own ready-to-pop ego! Sell tickets and donate the proceeds to charity. Promote a cause. Please, I beg you.

2) The media and Britney Spears’ second pregnancy

Britney’s between a rock and a hard place. Does she try and make it work with her lame-ass husband for the sake of the kids, or does she leave his ass for the sake of the kids? How about this? Why don’t we back the HELL out of her business and let her work out her marital problems (or lack thereof) by herself?! What the hell does her love life, children’s life, and expanding belly have anything to do with her music career (or lack thereof)? And that goes for all the celebrities and the damn tabloids. Yes, I know I don’t have to read them. And I’m getting better at not reading them. But seriously. I’m dying, here.

3) Farm equipment on the road

This PISSES ME OFF. If you’re tax exempt and you’ve got a license plate that says “Farm Use Only”, then WHY THE HELL are you driving on the main road, going 15 in a 55 at high noon?! Get off the goddamn road! I swear that I’m going to call the police on you someday. The massive abuse of motor law that abounds in hillbilly world drives me crazy. There’s no efficiency and absolutely no remorse. If only I had more than two middle fingers.

4) People bitching endlessly about Bush

He’s the president and he was re-elected 18 months ago. We’ve to go mourn and get over it. I don’t like him either, but there’s no use in complaining for the next 2 1/2 years. So, if you have nothing helpful to say (I didn’t say “nice”), then don’t say anything at all. If you hate the president or the administration or you have something to complain about in general, at least try to not be blind to others’ opinions. Oh, and if you can formulate a possible solution, please don’t hesitate to enlighten us.

5) Telemarketers and Customer Service Agents that don’t speak English

Okay, I applaud anyone who is bilingual (or multilingual). I think that’s one of the most amazing and potentially life-changing things in the world. But the unfortunate truth is that many people that learn a second language speak it with such a heavy accent that, over the phone, speaking to strangers, they are often misunderstood or simply not understood at all. And it FRUSTRATES the crap out of me when I have to spend my free time trying to decrypt, decipher, or otherwise decode what someone is saying. If you’re in customer service, LEARN ENGLISH. And if you’re a telemarketer and you are going to call me, speak enough English that I don’t need ask you to repeat yourself 300 times. Unfortunately, it’s your job to communicate over the phone. If you can’t do that, get a job in written translations.

Okay, I’m done. I apologize.