When I was younger, I was mildly obsessed with Superman. After all, he was my uncle. You see, my father believed himself to be Mon-el, Superman’s “brother”, as a child. Didn’t know Superman had a brother? Well, he doesn’t really. Mon-el was was first introduced by DC Comics as Halk Kar, but was later transformed into the character we know as Mon-el. His real name is Lar Grand, and he’s not from Krypton. He’s a Daxamite (from the planet Daxam) who had visited Krypton before its destruction, and who Jor-el (Superman’s father) encouraged to go to Earth. Problem was, he had amnesia when he got here. So Superman named him Mon-el. Mon because he landed on a Monday and El because it’s Superman’s family name. Let’s call Mon-el Superman’s honorary brother.

So forget the mild obsession… it’s full-on lust. I would love to give a completely professional and unbiased review of Superman Returns, but quite frankly, that would be impossible. Brandon Routh is a GOD. Having just watched him for 2 hours and 34 minutes, I can honestly say that he is the most visually stunning hunka chunka Superman ever to grace the silver screen (don’t ask me to compare him to the TV Supermans… that would be cruel! Dean Cain and Tom Welling are just too yummy). His body is almost too beautiful to think about ravaging. Almost. Seriously ladies (and gentlemen, if this happens to be your preference), DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR: go see this movie. Bring some tissues to wipe up the drool, but make sure you see it. He fills out that suit so well, and it is so easy to envision peeling it off… first off of his shoulders, then his chest, then his taut tummy, then those beautiful V-shaped muscles that lead to the Promised Land. And, as far as the eye can tell, it’s a very promising Promised Land. Mr. Routh fills out that suit quite well. I’m having visions right now, and I think my body temperature just went up a few degrees. Oh, dear God.

Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I will try to switch the horny button off (or at least turn it down) and give you some of my opinions. There is one spoiler contained in this review, but it is well-marked by bold SPOILER! warnings. Proceed with caution.

You’re probably aware that Superman Returns has gotten good reviews overall. And I have to say that I agree; for the most part, the $250m was generally well-spent. The visual effects were very good. Well, at least to my non-film-critic, non-CGI-expert eyes they were good. The movie was entertaining and the special effects were not so over-the-top that they appeared fake. So I liked that.

Another thing that I liked about Superman Returns is that there was little “creative license” taken. “Creative license”, in my book, is little more than a euphemism for “mutilation”. I hate when film adaptations complete change their written-word predecessors, and I can happily say that this movie is almost 100% free of such mutilations. However, there is one VERY LARGE bone that I have to pick, but before I do, let me warn you: SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! The following is a spoiler! Last chance… I’m about to say it! Okay, here it is: Superman’s son kills a man. Problem!! Superman has never, ever killed someone! This, to me, is a main tennet of Superman: he does not believe in punishing the evil, but only in saving the good. Remember?? “Truth, justice, and the American Way!” [Incidentally, the “American Way” was taken out of the motto for the movie. Politcal commentary, anyone?] SPOILER HAS ENDED. You may safely continue reading.

Superman Returns is perhaps more geared toward women than the previous movies. Clark Kent, aka Superman, has more emotional layers. The chemistry between CK and Lois Lane is still present, even after a 5-year separation, and your heart aches for CK… you really want him to get the girl. (Actually, I’d much prefer that he forsake Lois and come a knockin’ on my door!) But I said layerS: this is not simply another love story. This movie is about Superman’s search for happiness, for his identity, and about finding strength you didn’t know you had (yes, even when you’re Superman). Decent plot, in my opinion, especially for a superhero movie.

Of course, my new boyfriend is not the only star of this movie. There is another piece of mouth-watering goodness: James Marsden (of X-Men fame), aka Lois’ boyfriend. Boy oh boy, does he gets me heated. Break me off a piece of that. Although, I must say, he is much more mild-mannered in Superman than he is in X-Men; I think I prefer the kickass Cyclops to the sweatheart Richard White.

Kevin Spacey plays a damn good Lex Luther. Demented and sick, just as he should be. Kate Bosworth struck me as too skinny, too somber, and too pale to be a good Lois Lane, but I think I’m biased. She is, after all, dating another one of my boyfriends in real life (Orlando, you will always be my favorite elf!). But whatever, my dislike of her is easily compensated for by all the eye-candy this film delivers.

So, in sum, this film installment of America’s favorite superhero will not win an Oscar. But it will entertain you. If you like Superman, it will make your chest swell with pride (the music is AMAZING and empowering!). And, if you like absolutely gorgeous men, this will get your panties wet. Not bad at all.