Dear Men,

If men are from Mars, then women are NOT from Venus; we’re from an entirely different solar system. I’m convinced of it: we really are that different. 23 years of careful study has brought me to the conclusion that we process information differently, think differently, and generally live our lives differently.

The majority of my friends are guys. I get along well with y’all because you lack the drama gene that often accompanies relationships with women. You are upfront about most things (except those ewey-gooey emotions that you simply refuse to talk about) and you won’t ask me if you look fat and then overreact when I suggest (nicely) that perhaps you’d like to change into something else. I appreciate this.

But sometimes, I have to say, men just confuse the hell out of me. Granted, we women have our stereotypes, too! We’re moody (in all fairness, you try dealing with a massive influx of hormones!), we never say exactly what it is we want, etc. etc. Fill in your favorite. But men… ahhh! You men are frustrating. I mean, really, really frustrating.

I cannot believe that you lack emotions. I also cannot believe that you are NOT complex creatures. Yet somehow, you manage to make me (and countless other women) doubt these two facts. Emotions are honestly not that difficult. I promise! For example, if we feel that you have slighted us, we are going to be upset. That includes angry and sad. We can be both at once, and this makes perfect sense.

I’ll cut to the chase: to make a woman happy (girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend), you have to treat her well. You can’t forget special days; you can’t choose other people over her; you can’t expect her to always watch football on TV without watching a little figure skating in return. I swear we are not that difficult to keep happy. But time and time again, I see my girlfriends nurse slightly bruised hearts because the men in their life are idiots.

Therefore, I have compiled two lists: one for the DOs and one for the DON’Ts. I honestly feel that these list items are obvious, but they are broken time and time again. Since I also choose to believe that you are not callous, cruel, and unloving creatures (just misinformed), I must also come to the conclusion that they are not as obvious as I think. So here we go. [Disclaimer: this is by no means a definitive or exhaustive list. I reserve the right to add to the list as often as necessary.]

DON’T:

1. Don’t forget our birthday, anniversary, or any other gift-giving occasion This may also include the day we gave birth to your child, the day we get a promotion, the anniversary of our first date/kiss/bedroom romp, etc. If in doubt about whether a day is gift-worthy, always assume that it is. Results vary by woman.
2. Don’t hang out with other women without first letting us know. This is not asking our permission; it is showing us that you care about how your actions affect us. If we say we are really uncomfortable with the idea, at least consider not going.
3. Don’t try to keep your options open. If you don’t think that spending time with your woman is the best option out there, then be prepared to not have her. Because we’re going to dump you.
4. Don’t forget to call MORE OFTEN than you say you willl. If you have to drive somewhere, call us when you get there. If you’re out late, call to let us know. If we’re spending time apart, call to say hi. It sucks when you make us call you. We feel like we care more about you than you do about us. Very bad.
5. Don’t try to regulate our behavior (you hate when we do that to you). This includes the tiniest comments you make, because we pick up on them and are very sensitive to what you say (because we care what you think). So if you make a comment about our cleavage, we’re going to think that you want us to change our shirt. If we do change, we’ll resent you for it and if we don’t, we’ll worry about what you’re thinking all night.
6. Don’t ignore us. If you’re talking to us at a restaurant, don’t be looking at the sports on TV behind us. If you’re talking to us on the phone, don’t sound distant and like you might be paying attention to someone else. If you’re talking to us via IM, don’t let minutes pass in between messages. Please remember that we would much prefer your undivided attention later than your very divided attention now.
7. Don’t assume that every, single emotion is linked to our period. We do cry, get mad, and experience a broad range of emotions without any encouragement from our monthly visitor. You men are capable of pissing us off, sans extra hormones. So please do not EVER ask us if it is “that time of the month”. Because whether it is or it isn’t, you’re just going to infuriate us more with that question.

DO:

1. Do treat us like we are the most special thing to you. When we’re with friends, without being obnoxious about it, make it obvious that you care about us. Don’t flirt with other women. Don’t do anything that remotely resembles flirting with other women! If someone is rude or offensive to us, be there in case we need backup. Generally show us that you care through your actions.
2. Do remember that we just want to spend time with you. The best gifts are simple, but thought-out ones where we get to spend time together. A picnic, a walk in the park, a night at an Inn, an evening cooking in… these are things that make us go “aww”. [And get you laid.]
3. Do know that if you’re busy, we understand. If we call you at an inopportune time, please kindly tell us that you’re busy. A curt “Busy right now!” won’t do; instead, try “Hey, I’m busy right now. Can I call you back when I finish? Maybe 2 hours or so?” Then, make sure you return the call on time. You’ll be surprised as to how receptive we are to this technique.
4. Do remember that girls like presents. And not necessarily the expensive kind. A single flower (not a rose though; that’s too cliche), a warm meal waiting for us, a mix CD of “our songs” or just songs we’d like, a massage after a long day, etc. These are the things we really love and are very willing to reciprocate. If you give some, I promise you’ll get some. Wink, wink.
5. Do pay attention to our nonverbal signals. If we turn away from you in the middle of an argument, we’re probably hiding teary eyes. If our voice goes up an octave, we’re probably very distressed and thinking that you just don’t give a damn. If we slam down the phone, even if we tell you we don’t want to talk to you, we still do. So call us back. if we really don’t want to talk to you, we won’t pick up. But pay attention to the signals we send, because when you don’t, we feel like you don’t care.
6. Do follow us when we walk away from you. We know that this is melodramatic and we therefore only reserve this action for extreme circumstances. So, if we have chosen raise the red alert, follow us, dammit! Even if you think it’s stupid or that we’re overreacting, jst follow us. And come armed with open ears and a willingness to apologize for things you didn’t even know did. Because we bottle things up inside, too.
7. Do realize that we like to spend time without you, too. We are not, by default, smothering or needy or clingy. We like to spend time with our girlfriends and by ourselves. We just don’t like when you ditch us for your friends at the last minute.

Okay so I showed you mine, now show me yours. Tell us what you want, and we may just respond by listening. Imagine that… communication between the sexes.

love always,
Erin