The night that Luke moved out, I remember calling my best friend and just dissolving into the most gut-wrenching of sobs. I was distraught. I remember repeating, over and over, in between the tears and the snotty tissues, “I’m going to have to mow!!!!!”
It’s strange, the things we miss. It must be different for everyone, but I missed the small things: sitting down on the couch to watch one of “our shows,” the massages he used to give me, hearing his comforting voice, knowing he would never be stupid enough to take the side of someone I was arguing with. And I missed the sex, or at least the possibility thereof, if we weren’t too busy hating each other.
Above all, I missed his body in bed next to mine. I missed his pulling me toward him to snuggle at night. I missed the rhythm of our tandem breathing. I missed his strong arms comforting me when I tossed and turned or had a bad dream. I missed the feeling of bare skin on bare skin. I missed my bed partner.
It’s incredible how well we adapt to our circumstances. I’m amazing with a hammer and screwdriver now, and a whiz when it comes to a leaky faucet. And I even mow my own lawn, though I still sort of wish I had a husband to whom I could delegate this sweaty duty.
My point is, memories fade. I can’t quite remember when I stopped expecting him to greet me when I came home. I don’t quite recall when I stopped automatically cooking for two. I don’t smell him around the house anymore, and I don’t expect to see him around each corner. I don’t wonder what he’ll think before I make a decision. But I still haven’t stopped reaching for him at night.
I sleep on the left side of the bed, as I have all of my life, and I used to stay on the left side of the bed. Now, I wake up on the right. My subconscious won’t let me forget. It seems that the desire of the flesh — the need for physical comfort — cannot be denied.
There’s just something special about limbs intertwined in the warm comfort of our shared sheets that makes us all feel safe and satisfied with life. I don’t think that any amount of time or motivation or any other external factor will change this. Because sleeping with someone is the most intimate you can be, isn’t it? There are no ulterior motives; you just hold each other and care for each other in the most basic of ways.
13 months of an empty bed have not made me forget. In fact, they’ve only served to intensify my need. Without consciously wanting to, I need someone with me. If I could control it, I would. But I can’t. I need to cuddle and to be cuddled. I want to love and be loved. It’s hard. I don’t want to want these things, I want to be a strong, single woman. But these needs are beyond my control, and I must realize that wanting comfort is only human. I suppose I can mow the grass all I want, but I can’t stop it from growing.
Whoa. Great extended metaphor with running similes. Bravo.
I have to agree with you Erin. Well put.
Aw. What made you think of it all of a sudden?
Now that you and I are in the same boat, (after I broke up with my girlfriend), I feel as if your words are becoming the embodiment of my reality. How much sadder and depressed my life became, after I lost my Yin ; my warmth and greatest love. Thank you for this consoling article.
You write so well Erin, simple and from the heart.
Yup. Very touching. Let me commend the simplicity, honesty and beauty of those lines.
Whoa! Karina, that was a mouthful, and must’ve been horrid to write. However, you know that if there is anything you ever need, I’m here for you. Y’know, because I’m your Hermano.
Take it easy and things will work out fine for you! And if things look bad in the near future, just think about that *amazing* apartment in Costa Rica, and think about all the Costa Rican idioms you will sudden say naturally like you do in English! ^-^
Thank you so much, guys. It’s nice to know that my words aren’t just gibberish that pour out of my fingers… that you hear me and understand me and, shock of all shocks, might even feel the same way.
I might add, though (and thank you, Troy, for bringing this to my attention), that I failed to factor sleeping-with-friends into the equation (just sleeping). I love and trust my friends so much, so sleeping next to one of them is near nirvana. Y’all will keep me safe and warm, too.
But, ugh. Life sucking, again… none of my close guy friends live here. But it’s a nice thought: at least I don’t need to be boinking someone just to get some nighttime snuggles.
Erin, your words are well crafted, eloquent, and emotive. A daunting act to follow or comment on. I’m always here to lend a supportive eye, ear, or shoulder.
I hope your adventures in Costa Rica are fruitful and return unto you no small amount of the comfort, happiness and joy that you lost.
Mowing the lawn may not be fun, but it can serve to remind us that no matter how things in our lives may mow us down, like the grass, we can continue growing. Sometimes this mowing can remove the decaying bits of our lives for us so that we have the opportunity to grow stronger and happier then before. You just need to find yourself the most fertile environment for yourself, whether that is where you are now, Costa Rica, or elsewhere I am positive that you will find it.
Enjoy…
I love your post because it shows the real Erin, the girl… the one
who has to face the same problems as I do… as all of us do, but with
a very strong consciousness of reality which makes you be strong!
Strong to be there and to talk us about it.
You are right, there are a lot of things, details you can’t forget,
and maybe the fact that we think about them makes us feel weak. The
weakness is our way of forcing ourselves to face the problems; it
makes us disciplined, even when you feel you are lost or when you feel
you have an advantage… you know you are lost so you can start
looking for an answer…. sometimes this searching gets you in trouble
and maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is really the light of
the train that is hurtling toward you and will leave you worse off
than you started, but sometimes this light is a great sign that you
are doing a good job.
When Ana and I broke up, I found my light when I accepted that I can’t
forget her… you have to accept those things as a part of your life,
your past… and as soon you do it all the hate/suffering/fear will be
less and your life will be on its way again.
Hire a gardener. Know what I mean?
Yeah I’m an insensitive fuck, by the way.
To that, all I have to say is, “I hear ya.”
Great writing.
What Was ~ What Is
Verse: 1
What Was ~ Once is no more
What Is ~ Dreams and hopes no longer explored
What Was ~ Visions of the many promised tomorrows
What Is ~ Causes one to think of the time we borrowed
What Was ~ Broken is the link between me and you
What Is ~ We think of what is, and how to start anew
What Was ~ The tide of our love creating many ripples and currents
What Is ~ The water dark and still. Many obstacles and deterrents
What Was ~ Not enough time in a day to spend together
What Is ~ More clouds, possible rain, inclement weather
What Was ~ You and me, an internal rhythm and rhyme. Lifelong partners in crime
What Is ~ Trying to reach you, trying to connect, nearing check-out time
Chorus:
Verse: 2
What Was ~ The beauty of the time, incomparable and sublime
What Is ~ Wasted effort, wasted time, not a victimless-crime
What Was ~ Too near to feel, slowly becoming far and distant
What Is ~ It’s all part of the goodbye, farewell, and the nonexistent
What Was ~ Caring and honest emotion
What Is ~ Day to day drama - all in slow-motion
What Was ~ The smiles and laughter filled the air
What Is ~ No laughter, much sorrow and dark despair
What Was ~ Discussed our lives from the important to the minute
What Is ~ Too much of the same, too boring, too dull… it’s all moot
Chorus:
Chorus:
What Was ~ Abundant love, it’s all about us and about tomorrow
What Is ~ Never mind us – Can’t take the pain, Can’t take the sorrow
What Was ~ More hellos than goodbyes
What Is ~ More goodbyes than hellos
What Was ~ A constant stride, a constant pace, performed with elegance and grace
What Is ~ Trying to escape , trying to replace, trying to forget the look, the face
What Was ~ An internal rhythm, an internal rhyme. Partners in crime
What Is ~ Trying to reach you, trying to connect, it’s nearing check-out time
What Was ~ Love is forever, love is for all time
What Is ~ Always a victim, always a crime
What Was ~ Endless love, no time limit, no boundaries, just love that’s pure and true
What Is ~ Love that is tattered and torn. Impossible to identify, a different look,
a different feel
a different hue