Do Not Resuscitate
My grandmother called me at the office today, “Erin, is your dad there?” “No, Grandma, he’s not.” Pause. “Well, your grandfather has fallen down and can’t get up.” Hmm. “Okay, I’ll be right there.”
My grandfather has been in congestive heart failure for years now, his remaining time unknown. Living close to him has been such a blessing, but will make our final goodbye so much more painful. I am a believer in “it is better to have loved and lost”, but we all know that in the moment of loss, we’d much prefer “to have never loved at all”.
I followed my grandpa’s ambulance to the hospital. I had an hour to think. And to be honest, I kept thinking about not having kissed him and told him that I loved him before he got in the ambulance. I imagined the ambulance lights turning on and its speed accelerating while my mind’s eye watched in horror and disbelief as my grandfather sped away from me forever.
We arrived incident-free at the hospital, though. And after having determined and treated the immediate risk to his health, the ER doctors decided to admit my grandfather to the hospital. We’re all familiar with the standard operating procedure: What meds are you on? Any allergies? Any current diseases? And then came the kicker: If, in the event that it were necessary, do you want to be resuscitated?
He didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t even blink. “No.” The doctor did an ever-so-slight double take. “You don’t want to be resuscitated?” My grandpa glanced at my grandma, then said, “No. Mark me as DNR: Do Not Resuscitate.”
Grandpa glanced at us before redirecting his gaze to the doctors. “I’m 86 years old. My wife and I raised 4 sons. I practiced medicine for 49 years. Look around me: My wife is here. My son is here. My granddaughter is here. My daughter-in-law is at home calling my other family members. My life is good and if I die, I’m ready. Please, do not resuscitate.”
That got me thinking. If I died today or tomorrow or the next day, would I be able to say the same? I’m not entirely sure, but I know I’d like it to be so. I lost someone once. Not too long ago, actually. When he died, I felt guilty: I thought about the coulda-shoulda-woulda and I felt remorse. But I couldn’t do anything about it. He was gone, and so was my ability to say all the things I felt I had never said.
And so I promised myself that from then on, I would live each day as if it were the last. I would try to live with no regrets. This isn’t feasible, but it’s certainly good to try. Because if I’m sitting on a hospital bed in 63 years and the doctors ask if I want to be resuscitated, I want to answer just like my grandpa. I want to be satisfied with my life and the choices I had made.
So instead of waiting until later, I’m taking control of the sooner. I know we’re continually changing and evolving, but I’ve always enjoyed a good list (unordered, that is). Any time we want, we can add more items to our list, which is the beauty of it all. And so, instead of waiting until I’m 60, 70, or 80, I’m starting my list now:
If I Knew Then What I Know Now:
- I would have cared less about what others thought and paid more attention to what my heart felt.
- I would have realized that it’s only money. It’s not worth too much stress.
- I would have believed in my own self-worth.
- I would have spent more time helping others and less time helping myself.
- I would have cuddled more.
- I would have spent more days relaxing in bed instead of worrying about laundry and dishes and mopping.
- I would have talked less and listened more.
- I would have savored more flavors and gobbled less food.
- I would have jumped to fewer conclusions.
- I would have taken more risks and made a few scarier choices.
- I would have given more second chances and required fewer of my own.
- I would have read more books, studied more subjects, and learned more useless information.
It’s a start.
I was wondering why you weren’t on IRC or AIM today, but now I know why. I wish I could do the same as your Grandfather by the time I am his age, but see, not everyone is content with what they have accomplished up to this point. Perhaps by the time we all reach that age, we will feel the same way too.
You have to remember though, you have plenty of time to learn useless information. In the past few days, I have downloaded five or six Pimsleurs for languages I probably won’t even study this year, such as Korean. However, if I was to die tomorrow, I would know in the back of my head that I was prepared to start learning something else, which means I had already completed all or most of the things I wanted to up to that point, which gave me the free time to download the Korean Pimsleur in the first place. You should be content with what you have accomplished now, because you are living your life to the fullest, at least from my perspective. Anyhow, hang in there; forty years from now, you’ll be having the same thoughts of accomplishment.
Btw, sorry I haven’t posted many comments lately. I’ve been a bit busy with school and I’ve not really done much of anything productive over the past few days.
Was a bit worried myself, but I figured “erin’s probably busy with work”, little did I know your grandfather had to be taken to the hospital.
People say live everyday as if it were your last, and regardless of age or health, you just never know when today is your last day.
Ideally I want to go to bed every night content, and expecting a lot more from tomorrow, we strive to achieve it, but few of us can say that we are in a place (mentally/physically) that we are happy with.
Keep trying.
Sounds like your grandfather is a good man to know. I would definitely be resusitated as long as I wouldn’t be a burden to my family. But I’m only 51 - I have 45 good years left if my grandmother is any indication! God bless you and your family. Pura vida!
Its quite sad to know about your Grandpa, I just hope that your Grandpa recovers and lives for few more decades.
I hope your Grandpa will recover soon.
In my personal experience about my mother and father -I don´t remember too much about my Grands passing away-:
It´s better when they go suddenly, my case, because you don´t see them suffering and extinguishing slowly in pain. But it hurts you more because you are not prepared to lost that relative. In cases of long term illnesses, like cancer, you suffer with them their agony and the last step is a kind of relief for all.
About saying DNR if I would have to choose: Now I would say “please, do any effort to resuscitate me. I have kids to take care of. I have a -mid-whole life to live” unless resuscitation would mean converting myself in a kind of vegetable and a heavy load for my family. If I were as old as your Grandpa I think I would choose DNR also.
Best wises for your Grandpa.
Hope your grandpa gets well soon.
About the list, all I can say is: Never too late to start, never too late to act accordingly.
Hope your Grandfather recovers soon.
Hey all, thanks for your well wishes. Grandpa is home and indeed feeling better. Who knows how long he has, but I think that’s okay. He’s happy and satisfied, which was my point.
Ok, this one got my mascara running. I hope to one day have the strength of will and complacency as your grandfather showed in the hospital room that day. I am glad to hear that he made it home, and though it is always agonizing to bear the thought of losing a loved one, I don’t think you truly believe that it is better to have never loved at all. No matter how much it hurts to miss someone when they die, the knife cuts much deeper at the thought of how many people did not have the good fortune to have known the one we lost. For as quickly as our loved one slips away, so bursts forth an ineffable bond between those whose lives (s)he had touched. All others are simply in the dark. Oblivious to the treasure that passed them by.
INSTANTES,
Si pudiera vivir nuevamente mi vida. En la próxima
tratarÃa de cometer más errores. No intentarÃa ser tan
perfecto, me relajarÃa más. SerÃa más tonto de lo que
he sido, de hecho tomarÃa muy pocas cosas con seriedad.
SerÃa menos higiénico.
CorrerÃa más riesgos, harÃa más viajes, contemplarÃa
más atardeceres, subirÃa más montañas, nadarÃa más rÃos.
IrÃa a más lugares adonde nunca he ido, comerÃa más
helados y menos habas, tendrÃa más problemas reales
y menos imaginarios.
Yo fui una de esas personas que vivió sensata y
prolÃficamente cada minuto de su vida: claro que
tuve momentos de alegrÃa.
Pero si pudiera volver atrás tratarÃa de tener
solamente buenos momentos.
Por si no lo saben, de eso está hecha la vida
sólo de momentos; no te pierdas el ahora.
Yo era uno de esos que nunca iban a ninguna
parte sin un termómetro, una bolsa de agua
caliente, un paraguas y paracaÃdas; si pudiera
volver a vivir, viajarÃa más liviano.
Si pudiera volver a vivir comenzarÃa a andar
descalzo a principios de la primavera y seguirÃa
asà hasta concluir el otoño.
DarÃa más vueltas en calesita, contemplarÃa más
amaneceres y jugarÃa más con los niños, si tuviera
otra vez la vida por delante.
Pero ya ven, tengo 85 años y sé que me estoy muriendo.
Jorge Luis Borges