I’ve been feeling extremely nostalgic these past few days… being home again — the last time before I move — has been very touching to me. We drive my old streets, walk the old walks, and I even got to explore my old high school again. Things have changed.

Emy has a closet door that has remained unchanged since high school. She has photos and emails and cards pasted to it, and I love this door. I have always loved it, in fact. But I love it even more now, in my most nostalgic moments, because it reminds me of the innocence of youth. It reminds me of who I was years ago. I was different and I know this. I accept it.

Little things touched me more. Life’s lessons were always happily received by my open arms. Believe it or not, I was even more idealistic in those days than I am now. I hadn’t been touched by too much grief and I hadn’t made huge mistakes. I thought I had, but I hadn’t. I was naïve, and it was a beautiful thing.

Emy has an email that I wrote pasted to this door. It is a response to some chain email; I don’t even remember exactly what it said. But it had been circulating for months, and I loved it. It touched me. I was 16 years old, and I was so moved that I chose to write a response. It was about my friends and myself, about the problems and mistakes we had made. The email was as innocent as I was, but it makes me remember the girl I used to be. And so, since I am weak and feeling nostalgic, I’ve decided to let you see an Erin of the past… an Erin whose heart had only been broken once, an Erin who had made mistakes, but and Erin who was sure she could right all wrongs. She’s the Erin I sometimes wish I could still be.

So, without further ado, I give you My Email, grammar mistakes and all:

——

Dear Everyone,

love always,
Erin

I’ve learned that life is not made up of black and white, but of mixed gray areas. I’ve learned to let go of things that are no longer mine so that others can enjoy them too. I’ve learned that what I want is not always important- I must think of others. I’ve learned that trust is easy to lose and hard to get back. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to make a mistake to learn more about yourself. I’ve learned that in order to be forgiven, you have to learn how to forgive. I’ve learned that distance cannot break the bonds of love and care for others. Love can survive everything if it is real. I’ve learned that friends are the most important things on this earth and that nothing should ever come between you and your friends. I’ve learned that other people have faults, but that I probably have more. I’ve learned that a kiss means something and that it should not be taken lightly because it can do more damage than it was ever worth. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if you’re led on by someone, that you’ll always get over them. I’ve even learned that sometimes, people tell you lies for your own good. I’ve learned that some people are protective of you simply because they truly care about you. I’ve learned that even though you may want something more than anything else in the world, you sometimes have to deny yourself that one thing… it’ll make you stronger. I’ve learned that these are the times that I should enjoy the most, and live for the moment. But I’ve also learned that living for the moment can lead to rash decisions and that you can’t always act on your first instinct.

I’ve learned that you have to give in order to receive. I’ve learned that what was once something more can be something less, but still special. I’ve learned that boys can be my friends and nothing more. I’ve learned that some people are meant to be strictly friends… and that others may not even be meant to be that. I’ve learned that some people can make you feel so special, even when you’re not. Those are the ones that you have to be careful of. I’ve learned that life is full of choices.

Life is not about lists. It’s not about how many boys you’ve kissed. It’s not about trying to be equal to all your friends. It’s not about who rejects you or whom you reject. It’s not about hanging on to old relationships. Life is not about getting what you want. It’s not about grades or SAT’s or colleges. It’s not about what has happened in the past, but that will happen in the future. Life is not about judging others. It’s not about regrets, it’s about learning. Life is not about how far apart two people are, but how close their hearts are. Life is not about being the good girl… it’s about doing what you need to do. Life is not about hate, it is about love. Life is not about being jealous or greedy. Life is not about hurting others and is not about the pain you feel.

Life is about choice. It’s about discovering who you are and what you want. It’s about sharing a good thing with a friend. It’s about letting go of your past and embracing your future. It’s about friendships and relationships with others. It’s about telling the truth. It’s about letting go of an old boyfriend and finally realizing that you are maybe not ever going to be friends and that it’s better just to remember the good times you had and not try to create new ones. It’s about denying something that you may want more than anything in order to preserve the most special thing on earth… friendship.

Because most of all, I’ve learned that friendship is the most important thing that a person can ever have. Everything is based on friendship. The perfect boy is the one that you are friends with-one that you can go to the park with and swing on the swings and play on the seesaw for hours without ever kissing. Friends are more important than any boy will ever be… I’ve learned that. Friends are there to comfort you in your times of need, they’re there to love you, hug you, and make it all better. Friends forgive your tiny infractions and your huge mistakes. Communication is key with your friends. First and foremost, to preserve friendship, you have to be real and tell the truth, no matter how much you don’t want to. And no matter what, there’s always time to make more friends. That’s what I’ve learned.

This year has been a year full of all emotions-intense grief, pain, hate, hurt, agony, anguish, sorry, heartache, happiness, ecstasy, excitement, joy, pleasure, satisfaction, and deep love. Thank you… you know I love you all.